I regularly question my own body, why is it failing me, failing us? Why Moore family? I’ve been healthy my whole life, we are in a loving relationship, a beautiful home ready to welcome more children. Our daughter will make an amazing big sister and is quite frankly begging for a sibling. Is this some sort of sick punishment? Should I be satisfied and grateful that I have an amazingly smart, healthy and beautiful child already? But I’m not! It just makes me yearn that much more. The void in my heart makes it so difficult to open up to people, and when I do quite often the responses are so hard to swallow.
Well at least you have one already, some can’t have any
It’s wrong to compare one infertility journey to another, the end product for all is the same, the inability to carry a child. The misconception that secondary infertility is not as bad as for those trying to conceive their first child is so damaging to those going through it. That since you have a child and have experienced pregnancy and parenthood, your pain or the level of sympathy received need be reduced. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Women suffering from secondary infertility are as emotionally affected as those trying to conceive their first.
It is true, we know what it feels like to bear a child, to have that unbreakable bond. We know that overwhelming, heart bursting feeling to see your baby for the first time; and we have seen our partner cry tears of joy and love over our child. We are fully aware of what exactly it is we are grieving and it hurts no less.
I was embarrassed and almost ashamed to tell people about my infertility for fear of their response – especially if they mentioned the fact I had a child already. But more importantly, I was embarrassed because I’m a woman, I’m supposed to procreate. When you’re going through infertility it seems like everyone around you is pregnant and expanding their family and you can feel inadequate and alone. At times I’d wonder why Mathew would stay with me, surely he’s better off elsewhere if I can’t reproduce and provide the family he so desperately wants. I am truly blessed with this man! He is my rock and one of the most understanding and selfless people I know. There was no way he was going to allow me to delve into my dark thoughts and quickly put my fears surrounding our infertility and relationship to bed and it worries me no longer.
Infertility financials
If you’ve read my first blog, you’ll know that we put our wedding plans on hold in hopes of falling pregnant. The plan was to achieve the ‘perfect’ age gap between our children and avoid the ‘pregnant bride’ scenario. Isn’t it ironic how things work out – I’d kill to be that pregnant bride now!
What people don’t know is that we have literally spent thousands of pounds on fertility treatment AND to no avail! So when they ask “when are you getting married?” or my favourite “can I buy my hat yet”; my skin crawls, I’m literally screaming inside. Breathe! Smile Yaz…
A bit early for Ascot no?”
Sometimes even those aware of our fertility problems fail to understand the financial implications of fertility treatment, wedding prices and general family life. Infertility has affected every part of our financials and we had to effectively choose whether to pay for a wedding or carry on trying to conceive, we obviously chose the latter. However, 2 and a half years down the line and there are times I’ve question this decision. It’s so frustrating that even our wedding plans are centred around our infertility.
“When are you having another baby?” or “She needs a sibling” and “Don’t you think it’s time for another baby?”, “Time to fill that spare bedroom don’t you think?” and “She’s so cute imagine what another would look like!”
I avoided these questions like the plague, they bothered me so much and I had no idea how to answer them. I didn’t want their judgement, nor was I ready to talk to the world about my infertility. I was still in denial and struggling to accept my infertility. So, I would laugh it off, change the subject, but more often than not lie and say we were not ready or unsure we want more children. To lie was so much easier than revealing the truth; and looking back it was such a dark and sad time for me, I was ashamed and didn’t want to appear broken.
I am still going through secondary infertility today, but I have accepted my situation and find talking about it quite therapeutic. I’m not shouting it from the roof tops but when these questions arise, I now choose whether to give them the hybrid or uncut version of my infertility journey, or simply answer “maybe one day”. Not everyone need know your business, but the awareness surrounding secondary infertility and conditions such as Asherman’s Syndrome needs to heightened.
Until the next blurb….
